Given on: Sunday – November 22nd, 2009
Given by: Michelle Zick

I stand here in awe of the faithfulness of Our God, & the power He alone has to pluck us out of the sinful paths we have traveled, to faithfully pursue us and to draw us out of our selfishness to behold His glory & majestic power. I would never have believed that I would be given eyes to see Him, to grasp the depravity of my soul in light of His sacrifice and that He would fill my heart with a desire to know, love & serve Him as my King. Although I had received Christ into my heart as a child, I did not know Him through the redemptive power of His grace and mercies. My understanding of God was set in legalism and based on fear. Confused, & filled with an unsatisfied hunger, my spirit was conflicted. I felt that there must be something wrong with me. I found myself many nights sobbing, praying that God would reveal His love to me in truth.

As a young adult, what little faith I had clung to was virtually shattered in an instant. I had experienced a life altering trauma. I was sexually assaulted by a good family friend, who was a brother in Christ. I was completely broken, so full of shame. Carrying a weight of rejection and abandonment, I felt unworthy and betrayed. How could God allow my path to be filled with such pain and misery? My views of my Heavenly Father became jaded by the bitterness I carried toward Him for the oppression and violations that I had endured.

I became consumed in my career, and isolated myself from engaging in life. I created a safe-house around myself, with walls that could not be broken down. Full of paranoia and fear, I only allowed what I could control or predict into my sheltered reality. My mind, body and spirit were failing me, as I was consumed with thoughts of self-condemnation. The sinfulness of my rebellious heart and the legalistic lies that shaped my perceptions of God overpowered me. I desperately needed my savior.

In His perfect & sovereign plan, through many trials and heartaches, the Lord led me out of the wandering desert of my fearful existence, to this place. I came with much resistance, shut down, disengaged, & consumed by the pride of my self preservation. God, in His mercy, began to soften my heart. He began to use His word, and the body of Christ, to draw me out of the darkness I had hidden myself in. The unwavering truths of His redeeming mercy and saving grace began to resonate in my soul. Through the consistent messages of truth in the Gospel, being taught and lived out by His shepherds, God was beginning to challenge the foundation I had hidden behind. He began to demolish the legalistic deception that had me bound to a sinful and fruitless journey through deserts of despair. As He began to reveal Himself to me, God was calling my heart to trust His faithfulness and His power, to trust His love for me, and to see the work He had begun in reshaping me.

Last year, I battled with much fear and resistance, as the Lord began to expose a major stronghold in my life. I was beginning to see that the shame and fear I had carried for most of my life had manifested into a bitter hatred for my “brothers” in Christ. The desperate conviction and brokenness I experienced in seeing my sin in this area humbled my heart, and led me to a place of repentance. Unfortunately, it was also the place that I began to desperately strive in my own strength to try to change my heart. I read scriptures, listened to sermons, prayed, and repented…over and over. There was nothing that I could do to extinguish the fiery hatred I had carried for so long. How could I be a Christian and hate my brothers?

Right before Celebration last year, I had worked myself up so much over my sin, that I had absolutely no desire to attend the conference. The discouragement I felt in seeing how deeply my sin was rooted in my heart had me running away from God. How could I love Him, and serve Him if I could not obey His commandments. This had been a battle that I had lost, why would God free me from this curse. I had all but given up, I had no expectation that my heart could change. If God wanted to be done with me, I would understand.

God was not done with me. On the night of ministry, I found myself praising God, with a song that He had given me as a child. That night, the Lord restored my weary soul, and lifted me up to Him, pure, carrying no shame, no fear, no guilt or condemnation. I was His daughter, my heart was drawn back to worship my Father once more. As I lifted my voice and raised my hands to praise Him, the Lord began to open the eyes of my heart. As my eyes were opened, and my head was turned, I beheld a sea of my brother’s lifting their hearts, & raising their voices with praise, to worship the King of Kings. As God began to reveal this body of Christ , He sent a mighty and powerful wave crashing over me. In an instant, He alone, through His redemptive power, and majestic strength, shattered my hardened heart, and filled it with a restorative river of love for my brothers in Christ.

God’s promise of restoration has been a slow, faithful, refining fire. In the past couple of months, the Lord has been showing me remnants of my passivity & fear that I have held close at hand. Although the walls that I had built have been broken down, I have held my relationship with God, and with my brothers & sisters at a safe distance. I am seeing how I have resisted engaging transparently and wholeheartedly in the life God has called me to live for Him. The passivity, that has been a fear based safety net for me, stems from not receiving the identity and the armor that Christ calls me to put on as one of His daughters. As I press on, submitting to my Father & His will, praying for a hunger for relationship with Christ & with the body, He is meeting me in His word. I desire to live transparently, in the truth of who God is with no fear. I pray that God continues to fill me with His love, so that I can actively engage and love the people that He places into my life on a daily basis. I am seeing how desperately I need Him daily to shatter the “me” that I cling to, with the truth of who He is. I can only cry out, as I free fall into His arms- “God fill me with the revelation of Your great love, transform me in my brokenness, so that I may live this life, raised as an offering of thankfulness & gratitude for You”.

2 Corinthians 4:1, 4:6-18… Seeing we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we faint not. For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God and not of us.